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Unlocking the Power of Restating: How to Get Unstuck in Conversation

David Fisher

Once someone feels heard, they will feel an obligation, even a desire to hear you back! 


What is the power of restate? May I ask a couple questions to get you thinking?


  • How many of you have been in a conflict that despite attempts to diffuse the situation it escalated?

  • Have you been in sales or in a position of influence, where the other party keeps objecting despite your best efforts.

  • Do you wonder what to say at a party or networking event?


This was me.


Here is what the Power of Restate means:




It means, take a pause, and restate what the other person said - it’s really that simple.


You can restate word for word but pose it as a question:


  1. “I just don’t think that will work.”

  2. “You don’t think that will work?”


Or you can restate and seek clarity:


  1. “I’m feeling nervous about the situation right now.”

  2. “You’re feeling anxious it seems, may I ask what you’re feeling nervous about?”


Or you can restate in a summary:


  1. “I don’t like the way you ignore my ideas. You never seem to listen. You always interrupt me. You never take me seriously.”

  2. “It sounds like you feel as if I’m taking you for granted, is that right?”



How do you know what version to use? 


There’s no right answer. Use your intuition. Try not to repeat the exact words every time as eventually it may start to sound robotic, but it’s incredibly powerful when you use it in tandem with the other strategies.


A couple years ago, flying back from a conference in Phoenix, my connection flight got grounded in Reno. The plan was to meet a friend in Seattle and we would drive back to Vancouver, BC together. The next flight wasn’t coming until the next day, so now I was on my own with no transportation from Washington State to Canada.


I called the airline…


Being aware of the situation, the customer service agent arranged for me to get to Seattle the next day.


But I need to get to Vancouver…


The conversation ended in a manner very much like this:


“Our policy is that we are only responsible for getting you back to Seattle since that is your final destination with us.”


“I see, so you are responsible for only getting me back to my starting destination with you?”


“That’s correct, we don’t have to get you to Vancouver.”


“You don’t have to get me to Vancouver?”


“No sir…I understand your situation though, it leaves you stranded. I wish I could do more.”


“You seem to understand how I’m stuck here and you feel hopeless about it too?”


“I do. I’m sorry.”


Now I’ve earned the right to be heard. I haven’t argued, nor did I get angry. I clearly explained my situation and said something like…


“I understand your policy. I also am not angry that the flight was cancelled due to a mechanical error. I’d rather work this out than be in a plane crash. However, is it my fault that the plane was grounded?”


“No sir…”


“If I missed my plane I would totally be at fault and gladly pay for the final flight from Seattle to Vancouver. But it’s not my fault the plane has an issue. I’m not blaming you either, but do you see that I can’t get to Vancouver because your plane can’t fly?”


“Yes sir…”


“Since it’s your plane that messed up my plans, regardless of my final destination, is there any way you can get me to Vancouver?”


“Hold on, sir…”


Five minutes later, I had a flight the next day from Reno, back to Phoenix, to Portland, to Seattle, to Vancouver.


I love to fly, but at that point I was ready to be home! The good news is, the power of the restate got me there.


Back at the airport the ground attendant complimented me. They said, “Because you handled this in such a kind and understanding way, we were willing to work with you. Other people didn’t get that… they only got what we were allowed to give, but for you, we did our best to get you what you needed. Thank you.”


I was thanking them for helping when they were not obligated to do so, and they were thanking me for being kind. It’s a win for all!


This was a highly emotional situation, yet a deep breath and the power of a couple restates got me a hotel room, food, and all the way home without having to pay extra.


Here’s the science behind it:

There is a psychological law or reciprocity.


Once someone feels heard, they will feel an obligation, even a desire to hear you back!


Certainly there are narcissistic people in the world, who will take advantage of this, but I’ve only encountered a couple of those. There are also people who don’t know better, and you just keep restating over and over until you finally think, “I'm going to end this conversation, or if I have to keep going, I’m going to talk about me for a while” but the vast majority times, the restate brings connection and understanding. It resolves conflict and creates solutions. It allows us to grow together rather than be torn apart.


Next time you are in conflict, stuck at a negotiation, or feeling anxious about conversations at an event, take a deep breath and use the power of restate.






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